REVIEW 80: SAMUEL ADAMS WINTER LAGER

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  The Boston Beer Company

STYLE:  Bock

ABV:  5.6%

PURCHASE:  Draught (60-oz. pitcher), $10.00

SERVING:  Said pitcher, poured into chilled pint glass. Just a standard pour produced an initial head that took up almost half the glass; a slower pour didn't get much less. Good head retention.

APPEARANCE:  Very dark amber color, bordering upon auburn. Great fluffy tan-beige head. Decent lacing.

BOUQUET:  Roasty aroma full of toasted malt barley. Rounded out by a fair proportion of hops, orange zest, and hints of various spices; namely allspice, cloves, pepper, and a touch of cinnamon. On the whole, a somewhat piney aroma, but in a highly inviting way.

PALATE:  Medium to slightly heavy body with carbonation that remains subdued unless you foolishly allow it to fester. Smooth overall mouthfeel that gets better as it warms a bit. Lightly hoppy, but the main attraction here--at least early on--is the roasty malt that sets in immediately and never relinquishes. Finish sees a bit of yeast, but more an onset of orange zest and spice notes. At least two of the following seem to be present in the aftertaste: Pepper, clove, allspice, cinnamon, maybe even coriander. 

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  I may be in the minority here, but this is the best of the Sam Seasonals, easily besting the just-okay Summer Ale and the good-but-not-great Octoberfest and Cold Snap. Although it doesn't quite match the flagship Boston Lager.

Fits the season very well, with its slightly piney aroma. 




GRADE:  B+

REVIEW 79: DOS EQUIS SPECIAL LAGER

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Mexico

BREWERY:  Cerveceria Cuauhtèmoc Moctezuma, S.A. de C.V.

STYLE:  Adjunct Lager

ABV:  4.3%

PURCHASE:  Draught (18-oz.), $5.59

SERVING:  Weizen glass, sans lime. From the tap, initial head stayed within the typical 3/4" to one-inch range. Pitiful retention.

APPEARANCE:  Adjunct straw color with white head. Transparent. Some bubbles. No lacing. Next.

BOUQUET:  Mostly generic grain. A slight touch floral. Know what I smell? Adjuncts!

PALATE:  The usual body and carbonation for an adjunct lager. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Slightly grainy and yeasty--emphasis on "slightly"--with essentially no hop presence whatsoever. Aftertaste seems split between yeast and seltzer. Has the mouthfeel of a light beer; this isn't surprising, considering it has a light beer's ABV, too. 

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Bleh. Every country has its Budweiser. This is Mexico's . . . I guess.

Or more like Bud Light. It has a light beer's look, feel, and lack of real beer character. In fact, I bet you could pull a Folger's-style switch with this beer and that one at a frat party or Nascar event and barely anybody would tell the difference. This may be brewed in Mexico, but there is nothing distinctly Mexican about it.

Surely the "Most Interesting Man in the World" drinks a better beer than this.




GRADE:  D

REVIEW 78: MILLER LITE

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Miller Brewing Company

STYLE:  Light Lager

ABV:  4.17%

PURCHASE:  Draught (60-oz. pitcher), $8.00

SERVING:  Said pitcher, poured into chilled pint glass. Standard pour led to standard one-inch head, as did a slow pour. A fast pour roughly tripled it. Not much retention, in any case.

APPEARANCE:  One of the most transparent beers ever produced. Adjunct straw body with a sudsy white head that actually leaves okay, if inconsistent, lacing. Steady bubble action.

BOUQUET:  All the essential party beer ingredients are here: Water, seltzer, metal. Damp sponge essences round things out. In other words, it features the aroma of a metal surface freshly wiped with a sponge dampened with seltzer water. Perhaps a floral note or two or a half.

PALATE:  Do I have to? Light body--duh, it's a light beer. Standard carbonation. Unless it's ice cold, the mouthfeel is that of club soda that has been sitting out for a while. (Now I understand why people have taken to putting limes in these.) To its credit, it does possess some actual beer character, namely yeast, which enters the picture about halfway into each sip and takes over the rest of the way. Slightly grainy. It claims to be "triple hops brewed," but where the fuck are they? Yes, I just dropped an f-bomb.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  There was a time when I honestly thought Miller Lite was the best of the "Big Three" light beers--whatever that's worth. They're essentially the same, of course, but for some reason Miller seemed a fraction of a fraction of a notch above Bud and Coors. Perhaps its corporate restructuring at play, but it seems it's the other way around these days. 

I can think of four positives--more like "non-negatives"--with this one. 1) It's inexpensive. 2) It isn't skunky. 3) You can drink a ton of it. And 4) it's better than Ultra. To address each: 1) So fuckin' what; 2) whoop-dee-friggin'-doo; 3) great, but that only means you'll have to take a piss every five minutes; and 4) wow, it's better than a beer that doesn't taste like a real beer. Stop the fuckin' presses!

I have a theory: The higher the number of celebrity endorsements, the more mediocre the beer. But hey, it's less filling!




GRADE:  D-

REVIEW 77: SNOWDRIFT VANILLA PORTER

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company

STYLE:  Porter

ABV:  6.0%

PURCHASE:  Draught (60-oz. pitcher), $10.00

SERVING:  Said pitcher, poured into pint glass. Standard pour resulted in 2 1/2" head, and a slower one got only slightly less than that. Ironically, a faster pour on Round 3 got less than an inch. Retention was average to slightly worse than average, at any rate.

APPEARANCE:  Dark, dark ruby-brown, like Guinness. Tannish-beige head. Decent bubble action, particularly for a porter. Almost no lacing in the glass, though there was some in the pitcher.

BOUQUET:  Smells kind of like Guinness, too. Vanilla? I suppose. It's not obvious; let's just put it that way. The main aroma here was coffee complemented by malted grain. There is arguably a tinge of hops, but nothing significant in that respect.

PALATE:  Thin body with the usual level of carbonation. Entry is semi-malty, mid-palate is semi-roasty. Emphasis on the "semi" prefix. Mid-palate also sees the emergence of a toasted-grain essence that dominates the picture from that point forward, although a coffee/tea note joins it in the aftertaste. Vanilla? I suppose. It's not obvious; let's just put it that way.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  The Leinenkugel Brewery makes its debut appearance on Crockett's Cold Ones with this, the "Snowdrift" Vanilla Porter. In other words, eh. 

I will concede that this one was at the upper end of that category. Regardless, I've always felt that Leinies were, more or less, what Anheuser-Busch would put out if they had a craft beer division. Tonight's session only reaffirmed that prejudice. Cue the Budweiser Clydesdales.




GRADE:  C

Turkey and Gravy and Cran-behr-ree!

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving was as good as mine. Time to knock a few back.

Stay safe everybody,

Crock

REVIEW 76: SIERRA NEVADA PALE ALE

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Sierra Nevada Brewing Company

STYLE:  APA

ABV:  5.6%

PURCHASE:  Case of 24 12-oz. bottles, $38.23

SERVING:  12-oz. bottle, poured into pint glass. A standard pour yielded an initial head of a little over two inches, a slower one about an inch and a half. Decent retention.

APPEARANCE:  Beautiful caramel color, and a tad hazy; transparent but borders upon translucence. Off-white, slightly cream-tinted head. Light bubbling. Splotchy lacing.

BOUQUET:  Hops--the Cascade variety--are clearly the frontrunner. The citrus and floral notes they bring with them round out things quite nicely with the malt and caramel notes. A bit grapefruity in the nose as well.

PALATE:  Moderate in terms of both body and carbonation. Hops again are center stage, but they are tempered by a good deal of malt. Citrus notes are significant in the front and mid-palate, but things get yeastier at the finish. Traces of caramel seem to emerge at that point as well. Aftertaste is sweet, a little toasty, and tea-like. Flavorful taste profile and well-balanced. The brewers wisely didn't overcomplicate things.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  One of the best "everyday" microbrews you will find. Not the very best of its style, but a great entry point. IPAs still too hoppy for you? Start with this instead.

Arguably still a gold standard among American pale ales 35 years after its creation.




GRADE:  A-

A cascade hop yard.

REVIEW 75: TRIPEL KARMELIET

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Belgium

BREWERY:  Brouwerij Bosteels

STYLE:  Tripel

ABV:  8.4%

PURCHASE:  N/A (gift)

SERVING:  25.4-oz. bottle, poured into Chimay branded chalice. An inch and a half's worth of head from a standard pour; a third of that from a slower one. Great retention.

APPEARANCE:  Translucent and hazy golden color with a bright, sudsy white head. Much bubbling, but very minimal lacing.

BOUQUET:  Malty and citrusy with spicy undertones as well as hints of banana. Zesty from coriander, clove, orange and lemon peel. Not much on the hop front. 

PALATE:  Moderate body. Carbonation is sharp--even downright biting--during the first few sips after the pour; fortunately, it mellows out. Very smooth mouthfeel, with banana, malted grain--not particularly decipherable, but supposedly equal parts oak, barley, and wheat--and citrus the dominant factors. Spicy from mid-palate on, again in the form of mainly coriander, clove, and citrus zest. Things get interesting at the finish. Traces of yeast emerge, as do, in the aftertaste, hints of vanilla and fusel alcohol. It works, but doesn't come off as polished as most other renowned Belgian tripels.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  This was first brewed in 1996, but was based on a recipe from a Carmelite convent in Dendermonde, Belgium dating to 1679. Who are the Carmelites? Look'em up. I can't be expected to do everything for you bastards.

On the label, you will find the quotation, "3 granen," which as you can probably guess, translates to, "three grains." Those grains are, as previously mentioned, wheat, barley, and oat. None of them took the lead here, and none of them were particularly distinguishable. That said, the result was a highly enjoyable representative of this beer style, albeit not a top-tier one.




GRADE:  B+

Carmelites!

REVIEW 74: PHILADELPHIA PALE ALE

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Yards Brewing Company

STYLE:  APA

ABV:  4.6%

PURCHASE:  Draught (60-oz. pitcher), $10.00

SERVING:  Said pitcher, poured into chilled pint glass. Solid head from the tap of about two full inches; poured roughly an inch and a half from pitcher to glass. A slow pour yielded roughly the same result. Very good retention.

APPEARANCE:  Clear golden body with a dense white head. Bubble action present in pitcher but not in the glass. Very good lacing.

BOUQUET:  Mild noble hop bitterness trumps all else, the "all else" comprised mainly of citrus and floral essences. Malt notes are barely noticeable.

PALATE:  Moderately light body and even lighter on the carbonation. There do seem to be some sweet malt undertones early on, but overall the taste profile seems evenly split between citrus essences and hop bitterness, particularly at the finish. Aftertaste is grapefruity with subdued yeastiness. 

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  This is an APA--an American pale ale--as opposed to an IPA. The difference? Essentially, more of a balance between malt and hops, and perhaps the variety of hops used during brewing. The gold standard for this style remains Sierra Nevada, at least in the opinion of this reviewer.

As for this one, it's the poor man's version, the DVD to Sierra's Blu-Ray. Decent enough, but I expect better from Yards.




GRADE:  C+

REVIEW 73: OKTOBERFISH

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Flying Dog Brewing Company

STYLE:  Märzen

ABV:  6.0%

PURCHASE:  Draught (60-oz. pitcher), $8.00

SERVING:  Said pitcher, poured into chilled pint glass. The initial standard pour yielded head that took up half the glass (roughly three full inches). A slower pour didn't produce much less. Ironically, the fast pour I did for round 3 got the least! Better than average retention, in any case.

APPEARANCE:  Transparent auburn-copper color, with an off-white, wispy head. Little bubble action in the glass, though more in the pitcher. Lacing was splotchy initially, though much, much better on the subsequent pour.

BOUQUET:  Appleskin and malted barley stand out above all else. A bit on the toasty side. Not much else in the nose.

PALATE:  Very soft carbonation paired with a slightly heavy body. A toasted malt flavor is almost immediate. By mid-palate, however, the overall mouthfeel becomes a malt-apple hybrid, more or less. The finish is where things get a little more complex: A slight hop bitterness enters the picture, as does a subdued note of mild spice, likely clove or coriander. Finish has an apple-like nature in terms of texture, although not really in terms of taste. The aftertaste maintains the hop bitterness, but gives rise to a significant yeast presence as well as traces of coffee and/or tea; more roasty than toasty at this stage. Coffee? Tea? SEGA?!

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  More of an Oktoberfest than the one I reviewed from Hofbräu last week, that's for sure. This one looked, nor smelled, nor tasted, like a Helles lager--that I can tell you.

As an Oktoberfest brew, it's solid but nothing special; on a par with Sam's Octoberfest. I rank it accordingly.



GRADE:  B-

"Coffee? Tea? SEGA?!"

REVIEW 72: HOFBRÄU OKTOBERFEST

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Germany

BREWERY:  Hofbräuhaus München

STYLE:  Märzen

ABV:  6.3%

PURCHASE:  Six-pack of 11.2-oz. bottles, $11.99

SERVING:  11.2-oz. bottle, poured into pint glass. A standard pour produced a bit more than a standard head (roughly two inches). A slow pour resulted in more or less the same. A fast pour initially produced a head comprising half the glass, but which settled into the two-inch range rather quickly. Average retention.

APPEARANCE:  Has the look of a Helles lager: Straw color, spongy white head, steady bubbling, transparent body. Decent lacing.

BOUQUET:  Has the aroma of a Helles lager: Ideal hop-malt balance, a bit of breadiness, a bit of yeast. Fairly simple.

PALATE:  Has the mouthfeel of a Helles lager: Medium body, standard carbonation, effortless drinkability. Has the taste of a Helles lager: A pilsener-like sweetness that starts humbly, but crescendos with dextrins at the finish; an almost perfect balance between malted grain and noble hop bitterness, with a soft, warming spice factor--cloves and pepper--thrown in for good measure in the aftertaste.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  This is an Oktoberfest?

If it looks like a Helles, smells like a Helles, and tastes like a Helles, well then it must be a Helles! Luckily I like Helles lagers.

Good enough brew, but points off for misleading the consumer.




GRADE:  B

Well Done, South Park!

ABOUT. FUCKING. TIME.






Click here to watch the South Park episode,"You're Not Yelping."

REVIEW 71: WEYERBACHER IMPERIAL PUMPKIN ALE

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Weyerbacher Brewing Company

STYLE:  Pumpkin Ale

ABV:  8.0%

PURCHASE:  Draught (12-oz.), $7.50

SERVING:  Chimay branded chalice. From the tap, about a half- to three-quarter-inch head. Rather quick dissipation for a craft beer.

APPEARANCE:  What you'd expect a pumpkin ale to look like. Color of pumpkin pie bordering upon dark caramel. Cream-beige head. Absolutely zero lacing. A fast-disappearing head will have that effect.

BOUQUET:  Subtle pumpkin spice blend, with nutmeg as the star attraction. Cinnamon is notable, as are traces of brown sugar and cinnamon. Not as gingery as other pumpkin ales. Features a fairly conspicuous dark fruit undercurrent, namely plum and/or fig, and possibly raisin. Sniffing this, I entertain visions of pumpkin pie, but I also dream of Fig Newtons.

PALATE:  Somewhat heavy body, but light on the carbonation. A bit nondescript early on, but asserts itself mid-palate, especially if you let it linger. Sweet finish that bolsters the fruit factor. Nutmeg figures into the picture, but the overall "pumpkin spice" factor is subdued. My nose was right about the plum and fig: They both play major roles in the aftertaste, which is also a bit yeasty. This may be the yeastiest pumpkin ale I've had to date, in fact. Not saying that matters much.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Three of these will hit you if you don't eat dinner beforehand. (It was filet mignon for your humble narrator tonight, my little droogs.)

This packs more than just pumpkin; like the Punkless Dunkel from Neshaminy Creek, it posits dark fruit on an even keel with it. Unlike that beer, however, this one doesn't come off quite as expertly refined. But it's a player in the now seemingly oversaturated world of pumpkin ales--or should I say "pumpkin" ales? 




GRADE:  B

REVIEW 70: FAT TIRE

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  New Belgium Brewing

STYLE:  Amber Ale

ABV:  5.2%

PURCHASE:  Draught (60-oz. pitcher), $10.00

SERVING:  Said pitcher, poured into chilled pint glass. A standard pour yielded a standard 3/4" head, which was more or less equaled by a pour half the speed. A fast pour got 2 1/2 inches, roughly. Decent retention.

APPEARANCE:  Transparent amber-copper color with a typical white head that's equal parts fizzy and rocky. Very good lacing.

BOUQUET:  Very evenly balanced between malt and hops. However, there is a distinct note of sugar as well as of tea leaves. I'm not hallucinating.

PALATE:  Average body and carbonation. Starts very well balanced, and stays that way, with slight crescendos on both the malt and hops. A mild sweetness permeates the entire mouthfeel. Finish is yeasty, leading to an addictive tea-like aftertaste, one also seemingly evenly split between subtle hops and toasted malt. Fairly simple; nothing too fancy. But very, very easily drinkable. 

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  This may be the closest thing to a crowd-pleasing craft beer that exists. If you're throwing a party, and want to include a microbrew that won't turn anyone off, this is the one to do it with. Probably because it became a sort of "it" beer last decade. So much so that in the film, Fast Food Nation--set in Colorado, where Fat Tire is brewed--director Richard Linklater made sure it was mentioned during a crucial scene, in which Bruce Willis sips one to wash down a burger, while discussing the "shit in the meat" problem with Greg Kinnear.

Movie trivia aside, this is not a champion in its field; more like a sometime all-star.




GRADE:  B

REVIEW 69: GRANDE RÉSERVE 17

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Canada

BREWERY:  Unibroue

STYLE:  Strong Dark Ale

ABV:  10.0%

PURCHASE:  N/A (gift)

SERVING:  25.4-oz. bottle, poured into St. Bernardus branded goblet. My standard 20-second pour produced a head of only about half an inch; my faster 10-second pour got three-quarters. Not very big, but man did it last. It didn't want to leave.

APPEARANCE:  Deep caramel-chestnut tone. Beige head. Eye-catching; seems to glow on its own without much light. Splotchy lacing.

BOUQUET:  Fruity above all else, mainly raisin and appleskin; other dark fruit essences like plum and fig seem evident, as does a touch of citrus. Faint spice notes round things out nicely; they include, namely, pepper and clove, but also seeming traces of ginger and cinnamon. Maybe even allspice. 

PALATE:  Moderate to slightly heavy body with a fair amount of carbonation. Fruity front palate, pretty much a hybrid of raisin and sour apple. Finish is strong on the alcohol but gives rise to a very welcoming and complex aftertaste of blended spice, namely pepper and clove, but complemented with what seems to be notes of allspice, cinnamon, and maybe ginger. The fumy alcohol presence remains, which doesn't necessarily detract from, but doesn't exactly enhance, the experience. You could say it's a bit too "boozy" on the back end. Fortunately, it's balanced out by a nice plum-raisin-fig resonance.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Grande Reserve 17. So named because it was introduced in 2007, on the 17th anniversary of its brewer, Unibroue, from Quebec (the makers of La Fin du Monde). A trappist, Belgian-style beer from a Québécois brewery. 

Is it just me, or is Quebec becoming a hub for the production of fine goods? I play a Seagull acoustic guitar. Relatively inexpensive and made in Quebec. It plays just as well as virtually any Martin, Taylor, Gibson, or high-end Ovation model. Likewise with this beer. It's neck-and-neck with the Chimay lineup, and is only a tweak away from competing with the true Belgian abbey heavyweights, such as St. Bernardus. 

Guitars. Beer. What will Quebec give us next? An expansion NHL hockey team? 




GRADE:  A-

REVIEW 68: MICHELOB ULTRA

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Anheuser-Busch

STYLE:  Light Lager

ABV:  4.2%

PURCHASE:  Case of 24 12-oz. bottles, $25.23.

SERVING:  12-oz. bottle, poured into pint glass. The standard pour gives initially a standard one-inch head, but it doesn't last. A faster pour didn't really do any better. Piss-poor retention.

APPEARANCE:  Adjunct straw! White head! Bubbles! You can see through it!

BOUQUET:  Slightly husky, but there's not really much here. Hints of corn, yeast, and generic vegetables. Emphasis on the word "hints." Although I did detect a strong water presence.

PALATE:  Seltzery, with a razor-thin body and carbonation like a watered-down Coke or Pepsi. As with the aroma, there is just not much here aside from a slight huskiness in the overall mouthfeel, and perhaps a cooked-veggie or corn note. Dry, yeasty finish that leaves very, very little aftertaste.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  This is typically an offering at any bar or chain restaurant. Nine times out of ten--bare minimum--it's the worst beer in the lineup. That says it all.

Does it taste bad? No, though it's clearly a long, long way, from good. But it doesn't pack the punch of even your common light beer; rather, it's almost as if someone once accidentally spilled a Bud Light into another person's club soda at an Anheuser-Busch company party, and the club soda drinker just happened to be an exec. He then decided to taste it for sheer kicks, a light bulb went off in his head, and . . .

You really want to cut down on carbs? Don't drink beer. Simple.




GRADE:  F

". . . with an 'F' in this course!"

REVIEW 67: YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Stone Brewing Company

STYLE:  Strong Ale; Fruit/Vegetable Beer

ABV:  10.3%

PURCHASE:  Draught (13-oz.), $8.00

SERVING:  Tulip glass. Wispy head of barely half an inch from the tap. Average to slightly below average retention.

APPEARANCE:  Translucent and beautiful ruby-burgundy color. Beige head. Uneven lacing.

BOUQUET:  What do elderberries smell like? This is malty and fig-like in the nose; definitely a Belgian-style aroma. Hops are barely detectable. 

PALATE:  What do elderberries taste like? This is full-bodied, particularly mid-palate--a game-maker. Body is a bit heavy on the whole, and carbonation is par for the course: A slow crescendo, and sharp if not held in check. Finish is rich with seeming dark fruit essences, namely fig. Aftertaste is roasty; as a matter of fact, this is roasty from the start. But the aftertaste takes it a step further; it's downright smoky, earthy, and just a wee tad tart. Subtle pepperiness kicks in at the tail end.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Elderberries come from the sambucus plant. The flowers of this plant--elderflowers--are used in the making of Sambuca, as you can probably deduce from the name.

This is from the "Stochasity Project" line from Stone. It's sweet and rich enough to be a dessert beer. But it's also roasty, smoky, and complex enough to perfectly complement a meal featuring fine meat. Don't read that the wrong way; I'm not gay.




GRADE:  A-

Let the Games Begin . . .

REVIEW 66: COORS LIGHT

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Coors Brewing Company

STYLE:  Light Lager

ABV:  4.2%

PURCHASE:  Draught (60-oz. pitcher), $8.00

SERVING:  Said pitcher, poured into chilled pint glass. About a one-and-a-half-inch head from tap to pitcher, roughly one inch even from pitcher to glass with a normal pour. A fast pour yielded three. Somewhat decent retention, believe it or not. 

APPEARANCE:  In Crayola Crayon terms: Body is adjunct straw bordering upon saxophone brass; head is G.E. phosphorescent light bulb white. Quite possibly the most transparent beer on the planet.

BOUQUET:  Semi-husky aroma, featuring primarily the generic grain typical of standard American macrolagers. The "cooked-veggie" smell is present. To its credit, there does seem to be a tinge of both hops and malted barley.

PALATE:  As you can guess, body is light--it's a light beer, duh--with seltzer-like carbonation, particularly in the front palate. Seems to proceed directly to a yeasty finish. No real hop presence, and barely any malt presence either. Comes off like carbonated yeast water at first. Aftertaste features more or less a split between yeast and notes of cooked generic vegetables--think veggie medley from your local T.G.I. Friday's. Not the most complex taste among beers, but to its credit, it still tastes somewhat like actual beer.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Well, it's not terrible. On the contrary, it's very, very easy to drink. That's . . . something.

As with most other cheap mass-produced brews, keep it cold and you'll be okay. And maybe, just maybe, you'll score a set of twins.




GRADE:  D

REVIEW 65: HOEGAARDEN

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Belgium

BREWERY:  Brouwerij van Hoegaarden

STYLE:  Witbier

ABV:  4.9%

PURCHASE:  Draught (pint), $4.25

SERVING:  Hoegaarden branded hexagonal glass. Not much head from the tap, perhaps half an inch on the first beer; subsequent beers seemed to get even less. Average retention.

APPEARANCE:  Murky yellowish-gold with a sudsy white head. Combined with the blue trim of the Hoegaarden logo on the glass, the total visual effect was reminiscent of a Swedish National Team hockey jersey (see below). Just-okay lacing that is broken and temporary.

BOUQUET:  Aside from the given aroma of wheat, this seemed to give off a scent divided between citrus, banana, and clove. Perhaps a touch of coriander.

PALATE:  Normal carbonation with a deceptive body: Feels relatively light in the moment, but can fill you up fast. Somewhat neutral at the entry. As with a lot of beers, it's mid-palate where things get going: Rising presences of yeast, citrus, and banana in this case. Wheat is there but far less conspicuous. Finish is more or less a yeast-clove blend, but none too dry. The clove factor remains in the aftertaste, where it is joined seemingly by a hint of coriander; hence this is subtly spicy, not peppery. Subtle or not, the spice factor seems to fade out, with the remaining aftertaste a reemergence of banana and citrus (mainly orange rind, but some lemon). One odd aspect of this beer is the sip-to-sip inconsistency; some sips are significantly yeastier, or spicier, or more citrusy, than others.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  One popular variation of Hoegaarden is to add either raspberry syrup or raspberry-flavored beer; this is called a "Dirty Hoe." Nothing wrong with that. But Crockett likes his Hoes clean!

This is a beer that always struck me as kind of hipsterish, albeit in a more cult-like manner; PBR was for "mainstream" hipsters, if you get me. Maybe I'm overanalyzing. As a beer, this never disappoints but never wows, either. So I wouldn't call this the PBR, or Budweiser, of witbiers; more like the Guinness of them, one that has simply been outdone by too much of the competition, but remains decent in its own right. 




GRADE:  B-

REVIEW 64: PUNKLESS DUNKEL

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Neshaminy Creek Brewing Company

STYLE:  Pumpkin Ale

ABV:  8.8%

PURCHASE:  Draught (13-oz.), $7.00

SERVING:  Tulip glass. 3/4-inch head from the tap on the first beer, closer to half an inch on the two subsequent servings. Great retention, in any case.

APPEARANCE:  Ruby-chestnut color with an off-white head. Translucent and gorgeous. Seems to make the tulip glass glow. Very good lacing.

BOUQUET:  Nothing jumps out at you here. And that's a good thing. Everything meshes together effortlessly. So the question is, what is that everything? On the whole, this seems like a fig-infused pumpkin pie, liquefied and in a glass. More specifically, pumpkin spices (e.g. nutmeg, clove, cinnamon, allspice, et al.) are joined by fig and other dark fruit notes, such as plum (seemingly). It's as if this is an abbey ale from Belgium with some pumpkin notes brewed in for good measure. It works very well, though.

PALATE:  Medium body with carbonation held in check, regardless of how long it is held. The aroma seemed to accurately predict the taste profile here: This does have the mouthfeel of a Belgian. But you do indeed notice the pumpkin essences, even if they're more of an undertone than a main attraction. Dark fruit seems more conspicuous, namely fig and plum, but perhaps traces of prune and raisin. The usual array of pumpkin spices emerge more in the back end, but they are expertly distributed. Hints of wheat, banana, brown sugar, ginger, and toasted malt seem to emerge at the finish as well. Slightly sweet and yeasty but also peppery back there, especially in the aftertaste. A mild hop presence is detectable but doesn't stand out. In this case, that's a good thing; too much would have likely thrown everything off.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Now this is a pumpkin ale. 

Or is it? After downing three of these tonight, I can't help but think it's actually more of a hybrid. After all, "dunkel" is in the name. And "wheat" is in the subtitle. So I suppose that makes this a "pumpkin dunkelweizen." No matter. It's a winner, and another score for local Philly-area breweries. 

This is from the folks of Neshaminy Creek Brewing Company from Croydon, PA, just a few miles outside Northeast Philly. They've been in business only a little longer than Crooked Eye in Hatboro, but by the quality and resonance of their Punkless Dunkel, you'd think they've been at it for centuries. 'Nuff said.




GRADE:  A

Here's a better photo of this beer, since mine sucked.

REVIEW 63: STELLA ARTOIS

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Belgium

BREWERY:  Stella Artois

STYLE:  Pale Lager

ABV:  5.0%

PURCHASE:  Draught (pint), $5.50

SERVING:  Stella Artois branded chalice. The usual inch-high crown from the tap, although it was a little more in subsequent servings. Average retention, more or less.

APPEARANCE:  Pale lagers basically all look the same. Transparent straw-brass color, with a bright white head. Great lacing on this one, however.

BOUQUET:  Slightly skunky--that's always a major drawback for this beer. Both malty and mildly--very mildly--hoppy, leaning toward the malty side of the spectrum. Generic grain seems to round things out.

PALATE:  Sweet and biscuity from start to finish. The finish itself is very yeasty. The aftertaste is even more so. Yeast seems to be the predominant factor on the whole. That said, earlier on, there do seem to be mild hop undertones as well as a slightly fruity mid-palate; it's actually kind of appley for a bit. Sports the usual carbonation with a light-medium body. 

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  There are Belgians, and then there are macrolagers from Belgium. 

In my experience, there are two Stellas: The draught Stella, and the bottled Stella. The former is usually an agreeable, if unspectacular, session beer. The latter is an inconsistent one, often featuring a metallic aftertaste. You read that right.

Tonight's version was the former, more favorable version. But I've experienced the latter on so many previous occasions, including the one time I reviewed it for a private board five years ago. Either way, I still feel Stella is severely overrated, often presented as a world-class pilsener when it's really just a standard adjunct (a.k.a. "Corn Flakes beer") with slightly better--read: European--ingredients. A sufficient but boring brew.




GRADE:  C

REVIEW 62: PEARL NECKLACE OYSTER STOUT

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Flying Dog Brewery

STYLE:  Stout

ABV:  5.5%

PURCHASE:  Draught (pint), $6.50

SERVING:  Pint glass. Half-inch head from the tap (closer to 3/4" on the second and third servings). Fairly quick dissipation.

APPEARANCE:  Cola brown, almost black. Slightly beige head. Scattery, temporary lacing. Somewhat translucent overall appearance.

BOUQUET:  This is supposedly brewed from oysters, but I don't get that or anything else from the ocean. I get roasted coffee and bitter chocolate above all else, complemented by caramel and toasted malt notes. Nice.

PALATE:  Middle-of-the-road body with carbonation that is initially docile, but will pack a wallop when held long. Burnt barley is the featured taste, carrying through to the end, where it is met by a subdued, mild hop bitterness. Nicely balanced. Rounded out by, again, seeming notes of roasted coffee and bitter chocolate. No sign of oyster, no sign of any fish. Maybe that was the idea. Roasty aftertaste--in fact, the entire sip is roasty. Roasty entry, roasty finish, ROASTY EVERYTHING!

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Yeah, they actually brew beers from oysters. They'll brew from anything, I guess.

Don't take that the wrong way. Oyster stouts have quite the history. Apparently, pubgoers in Victorian times often dined on oysters while sipping stouts and porters. The two seemed to complement each other so well, and brewmasters took notice. 

That all said, I didn't taste nor smell any oysters, mollusks, crustaceans, nor any other sea life in this beer. Maybe it's just me. Whatever. As a stout, it's solid. Nothing fishy about that.




GRADE:  B+

Check out this article for some background on oyster stouts: http://www.foodrepublic.com/2012/12/27/getting-to-know-oyster-stout-a-beer-made-with-oysters/.

REVIEW 61: PUMKING

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Southern Tier Brewing Company

STYLE:  Pumpkin Ale

ABV:  8.6%

PURCHASE:  Draught (12-oz.), $8.50

SERVING:  Beer snifter. The usual inch of head, or thereabouts. Average retention . . . on the first beer. Round 2 saw an inch and a half of head with slightly better retention.

APPEARANCE:  A translucent, rusty orange color with a slightly off-white tinted head. No lacing whatsoever.

BOUQUET:  Pumpkin spice will hit you first. (Well, obviously!) Traces of nutmeg, cloves, and brown sugar are quite evident. Possible hints of cinnamon and caramel. There is a faint presence of malted grain and hops. The main aroma here, however, is ginger. Hold a ginger snap to your nose. Same result. Minus the malted grain and hops.

PALATE:  Body is a bit on the heavy side. Carbonation is controlled unless you hold it unreasonably long. The pumpkin factor becomes evident mid-palate, but it doesn't dominate the mouthfeel. The overall taste profile seems somewhat twofold: Pumpkin ale in front, pale ale in back. Malt, pumpkin, and other spice notes in front, strong hop presence in back, especially in the aftertaste. 

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Well. This is certainly a unique beer. And also a much better attempt at a pumpkin ale than the mediocre brew I reviewed from Stegmaier last week.

This one may have ventured a little too far from pumpkin ale territory. But at least it had the balls to venture somewhere.




GRADE:  B

Get it? It's a pumpkin . . . shaped like a pair of balls!

REVIEW 60: GUINNESS DRAUGHT

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Ireland

BREWERY:  Guinness Ltd.

STYLE:  Dry Stout

ABV:  4.2%

PURCHASE:  Draught (pint), $6.00

SERVING:  Pint glass--sadly, not a Guinness-branded one. 3/4-inch head from the tap. Excellent head retention.

APPEARANCE:  Ultra-dark brown, almost black*. Beige-tinted, dense head. Good lacing, though it was initially more like blotches.

BOUQUET:  Clean aroma for a stout. Toffee-like notes are traceable, as is a touch o'molasses. (See what I did there?) Somewhat floral--not the most expected thing with a stout, but it works. Dig deeper and you'll find accents of coffee, chocolate, and oats** and other malted grain.

PALATE:  Light, easygoing body for a stout. Carbonation is almost nonexistent. Semi-creamy yet thin mouthfeel; in fact, in some ways, this is like an English bitter or mild ale. The toffee that seemed evident in the aroma is absent in the taste. The front palate takes on the taste of iced coffee doused with a little bitter chocolate**. Toasted grain--mainly oats** and possibly barley--characterizes the aftertaste above all else. Finish is actually somewhat yeasty, like some adjuncts. Also evident at the end with this one? Hops. Just a little. Not the first thing you think of with a stout. But again, it works. 

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  By now, Guinness has been surpassed on the stout front many times over. That said, it remains a solid choice even for a discriminating beer snob like myself. It has a smoothness and an "everyday beer" quality to it that, in my experience, most other stouts lack. Foodwise, it goes with practically anything, and is also used in the preparation of many dishes (ever have a Guinness steak?). By itself, it's a beer that serves more than one purpose: It contains anti-oxidants that fight cholesterol and aid in maintaining a healthy heart, according to various studies. Though the company itself shies away from making any medical claims. 




GRADE:  B-


*Turns out it's actually very, very, very dark ruby. Seriously.

**None of these things are actually in the beer. It only gives that impression. Guinness is made with roasted barley malt, brewer's yeast, water, and hops. That's it.

REVIEW 59: MOLSON CANADIAN

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Canada

BREWERY:  Molson Coors Canada

STYLE:  Adjunct Lager

ABV:  5.0%

PURCHASE:  Draught (pint), $4.50

SERVING:  Chilled pint glass. A roughly half-inch head from the tap on Beer #1. Not much retention. Beer #2? Not much head at all, and even less retention. Uh-oh. Flat? I was able to use the "stir" method to give it one. 

APPEARANCE:  Typical color for this style, which I call "adjunct straw." A shade darker than most adjuncts, though. The usual white head. Very little lacing.

BOUQUET:  Fresh, floral aroma with whiffs of grain. Not very complex, but agreeable. The "cooked-veggie" element adjuncts are famous for is not very evident here.

PALATE:  Average body with initially average carbonation; the latter can increase sharply if you give it the opportunity. Yeasty and biscuity from the get-go. Slightly sweet. Hop factor is minimal, though discernible. Ricey, like a lot of North American adjuncts these days. Slight seltzer quality to the overall mouthfeel. Husky finish followed by an aftertaste that features the trademark "cooked-veggie" note largely absent from the aroma, and complemented by a perfectly heightened yeastiness.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Molson Canadian. Hockey beer. 

Adjuncts--particularly those from this continent--are never top-of-the-heap. The term "adjunct" itself indicates that. These are beers made with slightly inferior ingredients--at least as far as beer goes. These ingredients include such things as corn and rice--adjunct ingredients. These ingredients partially take the place of real malted barley and hops, thereby cheapening the quality. 

That said, this is better than most, and arguably the best one out there. Although I must say that, like Bud, it's better in the bottle. Far from outstanding, but far from shit.




GRADE:  C+

REVIEW 58: SCHNEIDER WEISSE TAP 6 UNSER AVENTINUS

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Germany

BREWERY:  Weisses Bräuhaus G. Schneider & Sohn GmbH

STYLE:  Weizenbock

ABV:  8.2%

PURCHASE:  N/A (gift)

SERVING:  25-oz. bottle, poured into Chimay-branded chalice. A typical pour resulted in a head of roughly a half-inch. (In a pint glass, this probably would have been a full inch or so.) A faster pour on Round 2 yielded a head of 3/4 of an inch. Not much retention in either case; then again, that's not what these beers are known for, and that's not of vital importance anyway!

APPEARANCE:  Dark ruby-brown color; from a visual standpoint, comes off like a cross between prune juice, cola, and chocolate. Effervescent. Light beige-tinted head. Lacing is non-existent--but again: That's not what these beers are known for, and that's not of vital importance anyway!

BOUQUET:  Wow. Pressed wheat notes abound along with dark fruit essences; this seems to be the case with a lot of German and Belgian beers of this variety. It's an outstanding combination if you ask me. Bitter chocolate notes also surface to mesh with the fig and plum. But there's more here and it's a bit of a mystery. Banana is detectable. And, admittedly, after consulting other online reviews to confirm my own intuition, I can attest to a subtle peppermint presence. Seems like it would throw things off, but it works, and it works frighteningly well.

PALATE:  Slightly heavy body with softly onsetting carbonation. Fig plays a prominent role in the overall taste. This is a mouthfeel that is subtle yet rich at the same time. Very, very well-balanced between malted grain (namely wheat) and dark fruit (namely fig and plum). Finish is rife with spice undertones that weren't really discernible in the aroma: Pepper, coriander, clove, and possibly allspice. Roasty aftertaste, characterized by a warming alcohol sensation, but also by touches of banana not as conspicuous elsewhere.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  This is one of those beers that, in a beer snob's mind, prompts the question: What is the best beer country, Germany or Belgium?*

I still lean toward the latter, but this one bolsters the case for Deutschland. Formerly known simply as Schneider Aventinus, this is a weizenbock, which is basically a stronger dunkelweizen. The main elements are the same: Dark visual appearance, dark fruit essences, wheat, some spicy undertones. 

A near-perfect beer. 




GRADE:  A

*The U.S. is probably third, for me.