Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Taking Yelp (and "Al D.") To Task

Ted's Montana Grill serves arguably the best burgers of any restaurant chain in this price range.  What's more is their commitment to protecting the environment via sound eco-friendly practices such as the use of water-conserving amenities and recycled paper straws (that work surprisingly well).

However, that is not the point of this review.  Rather, I am writing to call out another reviewer for posting the name and photograph of an employee that served him.  Yes, "Al D.," I'm talking about you.  Further, I am also taking to task Yelp's Support Team for exercising extremely poor judgment in allowing the photograph and caption to remain on the site.

There is clearly nothing wrong with leaving an honest and critical review of a restaurant or any other place of business.  After all, that is one of the main purposes of this site.  But there is an old saying:  There are ways to do things, and ways not to do things.  Al D., your insistence of including your bartender's picture with the caption, "Weak martini skills, though," is an example of the latter.  Your bartender, Bridgett, appears at the far left of the photo, seemingly unsuspecting of your motives.  Tell me something:  Did you ask her permission to include her in the picture?  

Regardless, there was simply no reason to do so.  I don't understand this need some of you seem to have to drag some poor restaurant employee's name into your review, simply because they might have made one small error during the service.  What is the purpose?  To make yourself feel important?  I'm all for honest feedback to employees in any business.  But these aren't politicians, superstar athletes, CEOs, or celebrities.  They are just everyday, working-class people struggling to pay their bills.  You can review their performance WITHOUT posting their names and photographs online, for the whole world to see.  There is simply no ethical reason to do so, and doing so reeks of smugness and self-importance on the part of the reviewer--in this case, you.

The Yelp Support Team deserves just as much blame.  By leaving up the photo in question, you are condoning this practice, which will undoubtedly encourage other wannabe, self-proclaimed critics and "connoisseurs" (quotes emphasized) to do the same, and likely to an even worse degree.  Our work force does not deserve this treatment.  Show some class and keep their names, descriptions, and likenesses out of your reviews.  

I'm tempted to drive down to Marietta, Georgia, walk into Ted's, and ask for Bridgett (provided, of course, she still works there), specifically to try one of her martinis.  In any case, I am asking, once again, that the photo be taken down.  You wouldn't want it done to you, so don't do it to someone else.  Please.

Thank you.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

REVIEW 10: COLT 45 MALT LIQUOR

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Pabst Brewing Company

STYLE:  Malt Liquor

ABV:  5.6%

PURCHASE:  40-oz. bottle, $4.00

SERVING:  Said "40," poured into pint glass. Slow pour yielded a (more or less) standard 3/4" head with moderate retention. The second pour was roughly twice the speed, though still conservative, and resulted in three solid inches. An even (but only slightly) faster pour in Round 3 produced head that took up more than half the glass. I can only imagine that pouring this at tap speed would give you more head than a crack whore from Kensington.

APPEARANCE:  Transparent straw color, though not as light as most standard North American adjuncts. Leaves very good lacing around the glass, if you can believe it.

BOUQUET:  Fairly clean, considering what it is. Somewhat bready, somewhat malty. Grainy, but generically so. Lacks the "cooked-veggie" element notable in many cheap brews, but does feature what I call a "clean metal" aroma. Hey, metal doesn't smell bad. Not when it's clean.

PALATE:  Smooth--no joke. Subdued carbonation from start to finish. A light-beer-styled front and mid-palate, followed by a finish that brings cooked-veggie essences--not detectable in the nose--to the forefront; namely, corn. (This is common in cheap macrobeers and malt liquors from this country.) Aftertaste features a slightly biting, punctuating, but limited, bitterness. Also, alcohol seems to fumigate from the tongue a bit after each sip--blink and you'll miss it. Overall mouthfeel and taste are agreeable enough, but it gets blander as it warms. Yet drinkability is easy. Ironic? 

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:   "If it's good enough for Lando Calrissian, it's good enough for me." Well, not quite. This is obviously not a connoisseur's beer. But not all malt liquors suck. While I have yet to find one I can honestly call "good," there have been a couple I would certainly label, well, "passable," at least. This one even borders upon "average." Seriously, it ain't half bad. It's actually preferable to most standard "light" beers, as well as many other American adjuncts. Works every time? You bet. This never fails to make me have to take a piss.





GRADE:  C-

POSTSCRIPT:  Did you know that Billy Dee Williams is not the only famous actor to appear in commercials hawking Colt 45? I'm sure most of you will recognize the "bartender" and former "relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox" in this ad from 1978.





Monday, February 16, 2015

REVIEW 9: SAMUEL ADAMS COLD SNAP

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  The Boston Beer Company

STYLE:  Witbier

ABV:  5.3%

PURCHASE:  60-oz. pitcher, $10.00

SERVING:  Said pitcher, poured into chilled pint glass. Pitcher arrived with a little over one inch of head. Slow pour from the pitcher into the glass resulted in less than half an inch. I got a tad over an inch on the second try, which was somewhat faster, but still steady.

APPEARANCE:  Golden-orange body with a white crown. Opaque and cloudy but also quite effervescent. Has a very inviting glow to it.

BOUQUET:  A seemingly equal meshing of wheat and citrus notes, mainly orange, but with soft assertations of orange zest and coriander. A permeation of banana slips in there.

PALATE:  Overall, a light-medium body with sneaky carbonation that pauses for a beat before making its presence known, then crescendos in parabolic fashion. Hop factor is all but null and void--that is to be expected with this style of beer. Juice-like entry and juice-like aftertaste (for the most part). In between, a zesty mid-palate takes hold, one with a slightly peppery kick. Spice notes become somewhat more aggressive in conjunction with the carbonation, but seem to recede right at the finish. Aftertaste is balanced between a reemergence of citrus notes and a short second wind of coriander and pepper essences. Most prominent at the back, however, are banana tones, though they seem to resemble banana liqueur more than actual bananas. Smooth overall mouthfeel where, remarkably, wheat is an afterthought. And this is a witbier.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Sam's answer to Blue Moon, and due to the spice factor, a bit more distinguishable. But it's not one of the strongest offerings from our friends in Massachusetts, although anything they put out is a safe bet. It's popular to drink witbiers--especially American witbiers like Blue Moon and Cold Snap--with an orange (or lemon) wedge. I don't do that. I want to taste the ACTUAL BEER. Thankfully, it passes all tests, and the drinkability factor is high. That said, I can't help but think that like its direct competitor, Blue Moon, it could use a bit more complexity. Though not a one-note Charlie by any means, the variety that was there didn't seem as expertly blended as it is in other entries in the Sam lineup, like Latitude 48 or the flagship Boston Lager. Sam's commercial tagline is, "Always a good decision." In this case, good but not great.




GRADE:  B



Thursday, February 12, 2015

REVIEW 8: FOSTER'S LAGER

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Australia/USA (The brewery is Australian by origin, but if you're drinking it here, it was brewed here, either in Albany, Georgia or Fort Worth, Texas.)

BREWERY:  Foster's Group Limited

STYLE:  Adjunct Lager

ABV:  5.0%

PURCHASE:  Case of 12 25.4-oz "Oil Cans," $24.99.

SERVING:  Oil Can, poured into pint glass. From the can, extremely heady even with a relatively slow pour. Had to wait several minutes to finish filling. On a subsequent pour, slowed down to as thin a continuous dispensation as one can muster, and still yielded roughly three full inches.

APPEARANCE:  Light brassy color, and about as transparent a beer can get without being water. Bright white, Alka-Seltzer quality head with dense retention for a pale lager. Leaves scattered, irregular lacing.

BOUQUET:  Bready and moderately husky. No surprise there, given that it's an adjunct. Faint hops, but more on the malty side of the scale. Lacks the "cooked-veggie" element common in most other adjuncts, particularly those from North America. Somewhat floral. Overall, amiable and even pleasant, dare I say it.

PALATE:  Light-medium body with very subtle carbonation--especially for this style of beer--that takes its time asserting itself. Slightly astringent entry that seems initially unable to make up its mind where it wants to go, but does as we enter mid-palate. The resonant trait here is utter smoothness; each sip--or gulp--just seems to roll. Relatively dry, and somewhat powdery, finish that leads to a slow-building aftertaste featuring a now-present cooked-veggie quality. A crisp, refreshing, and easygoing mouthfeel.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  When you think of Foster's, you ultimately think of two things, besides all those "How To Speak Australian" commercials: 1) Paul Hogan and 2) Outback Steakhouse. The former is a highly likeable, good-guy actor responsible for one of the iconic film performances of the 1980s, and humorous pitchman for this here brew we are reviewing tonight. The latter is an American--yes, American--dining establishment passing itself off as Australian for the past quarter century, once highly regarded, and now struggling to live up to its past. Foster's Lager emulates traits of both.

Likeable? Yeah, it is. No joke. This is one of the most drinkable beers on the market in terms of ease of consumption. If you're into "pounding" beers, but don't want to settle for utter crap, this one's for you!

On the other hand, let's not kid ourselves. This will never win any awards. Like the American--yes, American--restaurant chain that serves as perhaps its primary benefactor stateside, it represents a once "premium" brand that has, in recent years, undergone a severe loss in perceived prestige, particularly among actual Australians. Yet, it remains a viable option, namely for its convenience and still better-than-average overall value. I don't get the hate Foster's receives from the beer hipster community. Seriously, am I the only "beer snob" that actually likes Foster's? Attention all South Street and Northern Liberties yuppie pub-goers: Put down the PBR and rediscover the wonder from Down Under: Foster's, American--yes, American--for beer, mate.




GRADE:  C+



Monday, February 9, 2015

REVIEW 7: GOOSE IPA

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Goose Island Beer Company

STYLE:  India Pale Ale

ABV:  5.9%

PURCHASE:  Draught; 60-oz. pitcher, $10.00

SERVING:  Said pitcher, poured into chilled pint glass. Moderate pour from the pitcher yielded a standard one-inch head, which mostly dissipated within about three minutes. A slower pour resulted in not even 1/8 of an inch--essentially just a thick layer.

APPEARANCE:  Light caramel-copper tone, and transparent--much like the 312 Urban Pale Ale. Slightly off-white, cream-colored head.

BOUQUET:  Comparatively clean aroma for an IPA. Sure, the hoppy nose is there, but it doesn't exactly jump at you. Somewhat fruity and a tad on the floral side. For an IPA, fairly malty and yeasty.

PALATE:  Medium body with quickly onsetting carbonation that thankfully does not overpower. Sweet entry, followed by an immediate crescendo of hop astringency that, incredibly, holds back before the finish. A grapefruit-like bitterness permeates the entire body, which finishes with lingering but somewhat subdued (by IPA standards) hop notes. The entire latter half of each sip seems to contain a toasted grain quality, in fact. Citrus essences emerge at the back end, and dominate the aftertaste. Overall, a quite refined mouthfeel, especially for an IPA.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Like the 312 Urban Pale Ale, this is another beer from Goose Island that flirts with greatness, but eventually settles snugly into very-good-but-not-quite-great territory. It will grow on you as it warms a bit; IPAs, in my experience, are best drunk not as cold as, say, your standard pale macrolager. Colder, it would be more biting. As you allow it to sit for a little while, however, it will breathe and mellow a bit, becoming less aggressive and more inviting. Let's face it, IPAs are known for one thing: Hops. This one took the effort to round itself out, adding dimensions that many specimen in this category lack. That said, it still lacked a "wow" factor, while remaining highly drinkable and solidly far above average. I rank it accordingly.




GRADE:  B+





Thursday, February 5, 2015

REVIEW 6: 312 URBAN PALE ALE

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Goose Island Beer Company

STYLE:  American Pale Ale

ABV:  5.4%

PURCHASE:  60-oz. pitcher, $10.00

SERVING:  Draught; said pitcher, poured into chilled pint glass. First pour--moderate speed and steady--yielded not even a half-inch of head. A pour twice as fast on the second go-'round got about 3/4". Ditto for the third and fourth pours. Retentive though, in every case.

APPEARANCE:  Transparent caramel-copper tint. Darker than most APAs I've had. Bright white head.

BOUQUET:  Mild hops (duh). It's a pale ale. Any pale ale will feature hops at the forefront, be it an IPA, APA, APWA, etc. This one was rounded out with complements of caramel, malt, and citrus essences, albeit mild ones. An ever so slight touch of orange zest seems present if you strain to detect it. All in all, a fairly simplified aroma.

PALATE:  Medium body, very lightly carbonated. Considerably malty for this style. Semi-sweet at the front, followed by a hoppy crescendo that pervades the bulk of each sip. Citrus undertones are evident, but become more prominent in the aftertaste. Specifics are much more discernible here than in the bouquet, as I could break down the citrus finish into mainly orange notes. But a tinge of grapefruit snuck in there. Very amiable taste, overall--very low on the hop bitterness scale, for a pale ale--which in turn yields a high drinkability factor; in other words, it's smooth.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  To me, the benchmark for a truly "good" brew is a combination of intrigue and drinkability. Put another way, a) Regardless of complexity, how much does this beer stand out? and b) How easily can I drink this? 312--so named due its being the area code for downtown Chicago, where Goose Island is located--passes both tests. Now, in order for me to regard a beer as truly "great," or "outstanding," I ask myself a follow-up question: Is this among the best I have ever had of this particular style? The answer in this case: Possibly. Is it among the best I have ever had of any style? The answer to that: Not quite. No matter. For $10 a pitcher, this is an exceptional value among microbrew pale ales. So what if it's not a Hall of Famer? It's still a contender for the regional All-Star team.




GRADE:  B+






Wednesday, February 4, 2015

REVIEW 5: ROGUE DOUBLE CHOCOLATE STOUT

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Rogue Ales

STYLE:  Chocolate Stout/Imperial Stout

ABV:   9.0%

PURCHASE:  25.4-oz. bottle, $13.99

SERVING:  Said bottle, poured into Guinness-branded imperial pint glass. Heady at first (over three full inches). After topping off, settled at roughly an inch and a half, with average retention.

APPEARANCE:  Beautiful, deep espresso color bordering upon black. Mocha-tan crown and lacing. Densely opaque. Could almost pass for something from Starbucks--visually speaking.

BOUQUET:  Richly malty (like malted milk to an extent) and oozing with almost confectionery-like chocolate notes; more specifically, reminiscent of Swiss chocolate to degree. Complementary essences of yeast, honey, toasted grains (mainly oats), and a possible whiff of tobacco, of all things. One of the most euphoric aromas of any beer I have had the privilege of sampling. Made me forget my financial woes.

PALATE:  Medium-heavy body with subtle carbonation, so subtle it's merely an afterthought. To the nose, the chocolate notes were of a Swiss, confectionery quality. Not so to the mouth. After all, this is BEER, dammit. If beer has chocolate as a prominent ingredient, then it shall be bitter! Cacao-like. Mouthfeel is bittersweet overall, which is no surprise. The sweet marks the entry, while the bitter slowly gains ground and takes over at the finish, but without becoming overpowering. Malty mid-palate. One of the longest lasting aftertastes you will ever encounter in a beer, but an excellent one: An intoxicating mesh of roasted malt and bitter cacao, joined by a tease of hops, oats, and honey. In fact, as great as this tastes, the aftertaste may actually be the best part. Highly drinkable for a 9% ABV stout.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  From Newport, Oregon, we have our first American microbrew entry, and it's a winner. Ever want something after dinner, or late at night before bed, but not an actual dessert or snack? Ever want a dessert drink? Something with chocolate? But not, say, a mudslide or a chocolate martini, because, well, you're not a pussy? Then this is for you. Does chocolate belong in beer? Sure, why not, so long as it's utilized properly. As far as nightcaps go, chocolate stouts serve as a more than happy medium between hard liquor and a late-night snack. They will fill you up without knocking you out--at least not right away. Rogue produces one of the best on the market, an offering that pairs very well with regular foods--particularly beef, in the form of steaks, burgers, or prime rib--but also stands triumphantly on its own. 




GRADE:  A

Monday, February 2, 2015

REVIEW 4: DELIRIUM TREMENS

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Belgium

BREWERY:  Brouwerij Huyghe

STYLE:  Strong Pale Ale

ABV:  8.5%

PURCHASE:  25.4-oz. bottle, $13.99

SERVING:  Said bottle, poured into Chimay branded chalice. With a slow, steady pour, produced a retentive, fluffy head of two full inches--again, in a chalice. A somewhat faster dispensation yielded a third inch. 

APPEARANCE:  Pale, golden-blond hue that is opaque, hazy, yet effervescent. Bright white head, like a finely aged old woman.

BOUQUET:  Extremely well balanced nose of soft citrus and grain. Underlying hints of coriander, orange zest, and perhaps clove. Somewhat doughy. Very pleasant.

PALATE:  Carbonation is present but soft--even velvety. High drinkability factor given the ABV. As with the bouquet, various nuances are keenly balanced. Prominent, but not overpowering, citrus, primarily in the form of orange and lemon peel, pervades most of the medium body. A tease of banana seems to sneak in mid-palate. Toward the back, spiciness kicks in, mainly in the form of the aforementioned coriander and orange zest. However, this seems to morph into subtle pepper notes in the finish. The aftertaste sees a gradual "bowing out" of said peppery notes; a meshing of citrus, yeast,  and pressed grain serves as the through-line, undergoing a graceful diminuendo that lasts for minutes. Exceptionally rounded overall mouthfeel.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Confession time: I first had this a few years ago in a local bar, and was not particularly impressed. I did not have it again until tonight. After tonight's session, I am convinced I must have been a victim of a compromised tap line that first time. (I want my money back, assholes.) Or, check this out: Maybe they served me the wrong beer. What else could account for my originally thinking this was "disappointingly average?" (Those are my own words, from my original review, from 2010, on a private message board.) Whatever the case, I now totally disregard that now obvious fluke of a maiden trial with Delirium Tremens. (FYI: Delirium Tremens is a term describing the condition alcoholics often experience when undergoing withdrawal. It's on Wikipedia. Look it up. You know what else? Alcoholics are said to see pink elephants when they hallucinate. Guess what you will find pictured on a bottle of Delirium Tremens?)  This is often regarded as one of the finest beers in the world; now I understand. Although, I'm not sure it's in my "elite" category just yet. Maybe a notch below.





GRADE:  A