REVIEW 60: GUINNESS DRAUGHT

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Ireland

BREWERY:  Guinness Ltd.

STYLE:  Dry Stout

ABV:  4.2%

PURCHASE:  Draught (pint), $6.00

SERVING:  Pint glass--sadly, not a Guinness-branded one. 3/4-inch head from the tap. Excellent head retention.

APPEARANCE:  Ultra-dark brown, almost black*. Beige-tinted, dense head. Good lacing, though it was initially more like blotches.

BOUQUET:  Clean aroma for a stout. Toffee-like notes are traceable, as is a touch o'molasses. (See what I did there?) Somewhat floral--not the most expected thing with a stout, but it works. Dig deeper and you'll find accents of coffee, chocolate, and oats** and other malted grain.

PALATE:  Light, easygoing body for a stout. Carbonation is almost nonexistent. Semi-creamy yet thin mouthfeel; in fact, in some ways, this is like an English bitter or mild ale. The toffee that seemed evident in the aroma is absent in the taste. The front palate takes on the taste of iced coffee doused with a little bitter chocolate**. Toasted grain--mainly oats** and possibly barley--characterizes the aftertaste above all else. Finish is actually somewhat yeasty, like some adjuncts. Also evident at the end with this one? Hops. Just a little. Not the first thing you think of with a stout. But again, it works. 

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  By now, Guinness has been surpassed on the stout front many times over. That said, it remains a solid choice even for a discriminating beer snob like myself. It has a smoothness and an "everyday beer" quality to it that, in my experience, most other stouts lack. Foodwise, it goes with practically anything, and is also used in the preparation of many dishes (ever have a Guinness steak?). By itself, it's a beer that serves more than one purpose: It contains anti-oxidants that fight cholesterol and aid in maintaining a healthy heart, according to various studies. Though the company itself shies away from making any medical claims. 




GRADE:  B-


*Turns out it's actually very, very, very dark ruby. Seriously.

**None of these things are actually in the beer. It only gives that impression. Guinness is made with roasted barley malt, brewer's yeast, water, and hops. That's it.

REVIEW 59: MOLSON CANADIAN

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Canada

BREWERY:  Molson Coors Canada

STYLE:  Adjunct Lager

ABV:  5.0%

PURCHASE:  Draught (pint), $4.50

SERVING:  Chilled pint glass. A roughly half-inch head from the tap on Beer #1. Not much retention. Beer #2? Not much head at all, and even less retention. Uh-oh. Flat? I was able to use the "stir" method to give it one. 

APPEARANCE:  Typical color for this style, which I call "adjunct straw." A shade darker than most adjuncts, though. The usual white head. Very little lacing.

BOUQUET:  Fresh, floral aroma with whiffs of grain. Not very complex, but agreeable. The "cooked-veggie" element adjuncts are famous for is not very evident here.

PALATE:  Average body with initially average carbonation; the latter can increase sharply if you give it the opportunity. Yeasty and biscuity from the get-go. Slightly sweet. Hop factor is minimal, though discernible. Ricey, like a lot of North American adjuncts these days. Slight seltzer quality to the overall mouthfeel. Husky finish followed by an aftertaste that features the trademark "cooked-veggie" note largely absent from the aroma, and complemented by a perfectly heightened yeastiness.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Molson Canadian. Hockey beer. 

Adjuncts--particularly those from this continent--are never top-of-the-heap. The term "adjunct" itself indicates that. These are beers made with slightly inferior ingredients--at least as far as beer goes. These ingredients include such things as corn and rice--adjunct ingredients. These ingredients partially take the place of real malted barley and hops, thereby cheapening the quality. 

That said, this is better than most, and arguably the best one out there. Although I must say that, like Bud, it's better in the bottle. Far from outstanding, but far from shit.




GRADE:  C+

REVIEW 58: SCHNEIDER WEISSE TAP 6 UNSER AVENTINUS

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Germany

BREWERY:  Weisses Bräuhaus G. Schneider & Sohn GmbH

STYLE:  Weizenbock

ABV:  8.2%

PURCHASE:  N/A (gift)

SERVING:  25-oz. bottle, poured into Chimay-branded chalice. A typical pour resulted in a head of roughly a half-inch. (In a pint glass, this probably would have been a full inch or so.) A faster pour on Round 2 yielded a head of 3/4 of an inch. Not much retention in either case; then again, that's not what these beers are known for, and that's not of vital importance anyway!

APPEARANCE:  Dark ruby-brown color; from a visual standpoint, comes off like a cross between prune juice, cola, and chocolate. Effervescent. Light beige-tinted head. Lacing is non-existent--but again: That's not what these beers are known for, and that's not of vital importance anyway!

BOUQUET:  Wow. Pressed wheat notes abound along with dark fruit essences; this seems to be the case with a lot of German and Belgian beers of this variety. It's an outstanding combination if you ask me. Bitter chocolate notes also surface to mesh with the fig and plum. But there's more here and it's a bit of a mystery. Banana is detectable. And, admittedly, after consulting other online reviews to confirm my own intuition, I can attest to a subtle peppermint presence. Seems like it would throw things off, but it works, and it works frighteningly well.

PALATE:  Slightly heavy body with softly onsetting carbonation. Fig plays a prominent role in the overall taste. This is a mouthfeel that is subtle yet rich at the same time. Very, very well-balanced between malted grain (namely wheat) and dark fruit (namely fig and plum). Finish is rife with spice undertones that weren't really discernible in the aroma: Pepper, coriander, clove, and possibly allspice. Roasty aftertaste, characterized by a warming alcohol sensation, but also by touches of banana not as conspicuous elsewhere.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  This is one of those beers that, in a beer snob's mind, prompts the question: What is the best beer country, Germany or Belgium?*

I still lean toward the latter, but this one bolsters the case for Deutschland. Formerly known simply as Schneider Aventinus, this is a weizenbock, which is basically a stronger dunkelweizen. The main elements are the same: Dark visual appearance, dark fruit essences, wheat, some spicy undertones. 

A near-perfect beer. 




GRADE:  A

*The U.S. is probably third, for me.

REVIEW 57: STEGMAIER PUMPKIN ALE

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  The Lion Brewery, Inc.

STYLE:  Pumpkin Ale

ABV:  5.5%

PURCHASE:  60-oz. pitcher, $10.00

SERVING:  Said pitcher, poured into chilled pint glass. First pour from the pitcher yielded your standard head of an inch and change. Almost doubled that with a slower pour. Fairly quick dissipation.

APPEARANCE:  Transparent caramel tone, almost a pumpkin pie color. Off-white head bordering upon light beige. Zero lacing, except for a little of it in the pitcher. Not much bubbling action either.

BOUQUET:  As you would expect, pumpkin spice is prominent; specifically, ginger and nutmeg stand out. Perhaps a touch of cinnamon. On the whole, the aroma is also a bit bready. You won't detect much in the way of traditional beer notes here (e.g. hops).

PALATE:  Average body and mild carbonation. Entry is sweet but subtle. That said, this is a somewhat empty-tasting beer until the finish, save for an undercurrent of nutmeg. As with many beers, the aftertaste is best part, though that's not saying much in this case. It's a little gingery and gives rise to some--some--actual pumpkin flavor. 

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Bleh.

On the bottle, or in my case the tap handle, label, credit goes to the Stegmaier Brewing Company from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. The city of Wilkes-Barre actually owns the Stegmaier building, and it is used for office space for federal employees. So is there a Stegmaier Brewing Company? Well, there was, dating back to 1857. It was once the largest Pennsylvania brewery outside Philadelphia or Pittsburgh. In 1974, the company was sold to The Lion Brewery, makers of such esteemed pedestrian offerings as Lionshead and Lionshead Light.

Perhaps that explains why this attempt at a pumpkin ale comes off as so half-assed. 




GRADE:  D+

The old Stegmaier building in downtown Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.

REVIEW 56: MIDAS TOUCH

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Dogfish Head Brewery

STYLE:  Herbed/Spiced Beer

ABV:  9.0%

PURCHASE:  Draught (12-oz.), $7.00

SERVING:  Palm-branded snifter. Roughly 3/4" head from the tap on the first serving; second yielded over an inch. Average retention.

APPEARANCE:  Dark gold. Transparent. Shiny. Take your wife's or your girlfriend's jewelry and melt it all down, then pour it in a glass; that's what this looks like. Wispy white head. No real bubbling action to speak of.

BOUQUET:  One of the most challenging aromas I have personally come across. Filled with "I-thinks," if you get me. On the whole, it comes off as a white wine rather than as a beer. It's a tad malty and a bit yeasty, with essentially no hop aroma. In other words, there are very few actual beer notes. Methinks I smelt vanilla. Methinks I smelt pineapple. Methinks I smelt floral essences. Honey? Maybe. This is a riddle to me.

PALATE:  Not a very heavy body--particularly for beer of 9% alcohol. Carbonation is almost nonexistent initially; hold the sip, however, and it can rise sharply. Mouthfeel is viney and somewhat cidery; this goes down like a chardonnay. Light vanilla notes seem to line the mid-palate. Finish is dry and a bit buttery. Aftertaste has some sort of very, very subdued spice, but I can't make it out. Ginger?

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Dogfish Head claims this is brewed from "ingredients found in 2,700-year-old drinking vessels from the tomb of King Midas." That's the king from ancient times who turned things into gold by touching them, in case you couldn't put that together.

At the end of the day, the story behind the beer is nice, but it's the taste, the final result, that matters. On that note, this passes easily.

But at the end of the day, there's something else that matters just as much: Does this actually taste like beer? In that regard, I have the same problem with this as I did with Not Your Father's Root Beer. In that case, I felt I was drinking a gimmick. Same here. Is this beer, or is it wine? Hey, I like wine, and I even like beer that has wine-like qualities. But I still need to feel like I'm drinking a beer. Apologies to the hipster and craft beer communities if I piss them off here.



GRADE:  F

REVIEW 55: SAMUEL ADAMS OCTOBERFEST

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  The Boston Beer Company

STYLE:  Märzen/Oktoberfest

ABV:  5.3%

PURCHASE:  Draught (pint), $5.25

SERVING:  Pint glass. Initial head from the tap: 1/2 inch. Average retention. Ditto for Round 2.

APPEARANCE:  Copper-auburn tint, inching toward ruby. Beige-white head. Moderately transparent with slight bubbling in the body. Scattered, inconsistent lacing.

BOUQUET:  Not overtly complex, though not one-dimensional. Initial aroma seems to be a mix of malted barley, caramel, apple skins, and possibly . . . bitter chocolate. Straining to detect something under the surface yields nothing further, except perhaps a touch of hops.

PALATE:  Moderately to slightly heavy body; this can fill you up quickly. Carbonation starts softly but will snowball if held too long. Malty overall mouthfeel, but becomes a bit oaty at the finish. Roasty aftertaste, with a tease of bitter chocolate--I was right. Mild hop factor, but this is the malt's stage.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Uneven or sharply increasing carbonation can render a beer merely solid where it could have been spectacular. Such is the case with Sam Octoberfest. This used to be my personal favorite of the Sam Seasonals, but that honor has belonged to the Winter Lager for the past few years, as I find that one more consistent. Last year's Octoberfest offering seemed to improve upon the previous few years' regression, but this one seems to mark a return to said regression.

That said, it remains several notches above your standard macrolager. Bleh plus one, I guess.




GRADE:  B-

REVIEW 54: TWO HEARTED ALE

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Bell's Brewery, Inc.

STYLE:  IPA

ABV:  7.0%

PURCHASE:  Six-pack of 12-oz. bottles, $13.00

SERVING:  12-oz. bottle, poured into Guinness-branded imperial pint glass. (It was either that or a Collins glass tonight, my friends.) A dense, spongy, three-inch head emerged from a standard pour; a slower pour still got two. Excellent retention.

APPEARANCE:  Tannish-caramel color. Kind of cloudy--hazy is probably a better word--at upon first pour. Has the appearance of suspended yeast and/or bubbles. Becomes more transparent as it warms a bit. Luminous white head and superb lacing around the glass.

BOUQUET:  Hops are the centerpiece here, as you would expect. But they are rounded out by a variety of essences, and quite nicely: Orange spice, coriander, grapefruit, rolled grains, and yeast, mainly. Multi-dimensional for an IPA. 

PALATE:  Middle-of-the-road body, but somewhat light for a beer of this magnitude (7% alcohol). Carbonation sets in a beat or two after entry, then softly crescendos and can become sharp if held too long. Taste is primarily hoppy, but not as conspicuous in that regard as other IPAs--especially those this side of the Atlantic. Juice-like finish, followed by an aftertaste characterized by subdued spiciness--mainly orange zest and coriander, a common combination in the microbrew world. Almost goes down like a witbier.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Yup. Like a witbier. Want to introduce a Blue Moon drinker to the world of IPAs? This is the beer to do it with. 

This is about as smooth and as drinkable an IPA as you will find. Unlike other IPAs, the hop factor is more inclusive than prohibitive here. I rank it accordingly.




GRADE:  A-

Bell's second brewing facility, located in Comstock, Michigan.

REVIEW 53: YUENGLING TRADITIONAL LAGER

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  USA

BREWERY:  Yuengling Brewery

STYLE:  Amber Lager

ABV:  4.4%

PURCHASE:  Pint (draught), $3.50

SERVING:  Pint glass (obviously). Tap formed a predictable head of roughly one inch. Average to slightly worse than average retention. 

APPEARANCE:  Mahogany body with an off-white head. Transparent. Not much bubble action even when freshly poured. Great lacing, though.

BOUQUET:  Aromatically, comes off less like a beer than as a clean surface of some sort. Damp metal? A whiff of generic grain is discernible. Perhaps half a hop. 

PALATE:  Standard carbonation and a mouthfeel that almost comes across as a light beer. It's very easy to drink, despite the lack of character. There is very little malt or hop presence; in fact, nothing is particularly memorable until the finish, when an apple-skin note emerges and remains through the otherwise tea-like aftertaste. That said, it is also kind of seltzery at that point. Everything here is just so . . . bleh. It has no balls. But it goes down like a sorority sister!

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Yuengling. A staple of eastern Pennsylvania bars, restaurants, and bottle shops. So much so that it is popularly referred to simply as, "Lager." A sort of rite of passage for teens and college students from this region of the country--especially if they wanted something better than . . . Natty. It's priced just right for them.

The Yuengling Brewery may be a point of pride for my fellow Pennsylvanians. But let's face facts: Yuengling is a mediocre brew. I'm sorry if that upsets any brahs reading this.

The best thing about most beers is the taste. The best thing about some beers is the aftertaste. The best thing about many other beers is the aroma. The best thing about still other beers is their appearance.

The best thing about this one is the lacing.




GRADE:  D+

REVIEW 52: CARLSBERG

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  Denmark

BREWERY:  Carlsberg Danmark A/S

STYLE:  Pilsener

ABV:  5.0%

PURCHASE:  Case of 24 11.2-oz. bottles, $30.99

SERVING:  11.2-oz. bottle, poured into pint glass. Two-inch head from a normal pour, with decent but unspectacular retention. That head was slashed in half with a slower pour; a faster one barely exceeded it.

APPEARANCE:  Straw-brass color and highly transparent. Sudsy white head. Minimal lacing.

BOUQUET:  Standard grain-and-malt aroma, for the most part. Biscuity and with a trace of cooked-vegetable essences. Hop factor minimal, bordering upon nonexistent. 

PALATE:  Light-medium body with carbonation held tightly in check. Not much wavering with this beer; this has about as consistent a mouthfeel from start to finish as you will find. A sweetness enters right out of the gate and stays for the duration. Malted grain and yeast enter at mid-palate and also remain for the long haul. The aftertaste is characterized by this "sweet malt/yeast" quality, with a tinge of "cooked veggie" thrown in for good measure. Somewhat cereal-like.

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Every country has its Budweiser. This is Denmark's. Except it's a bit better. It's still what I call a "Corn Flakes beer," but it's on the higher end of that spectrum.




GRADE:  C+

REVIEW 51: TROOPER

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:  England

BREWERY:  Robinsons Brewery (also known as Robinsons Family Brewers)

STYLE:  ESB

ABV:  4.7%

PURCHASE:  4-pack of 16.9-oz. cans, $13.99

SERVING:  16.9-oz. can, poured into Guinness-branded imperial pint glass. Produced a fluffy two-inch head upon initial dispensation with a normal pour speed. A slower pour resulted in only a little less. Good retention. 

APPEARANCE:  Translucent caramel color bordering upon copper. Bright white head. Very good lacing.

BOUQUET:  Not particularly assertive in any way; rather, the nose is comprised of several little aromas that mesh very well. It's a bit on the fruity side--seemingly both citrus and apricot. It features a fragrant hop-malt balance. It's a little buttery, a little toffeeish. And it's also very tea-like; in fact, tea seems to be the enveloping factor.

PALATE:  Softly onsetting carbonation in a light-medium body. A little fruity upon entry. Subdued hoppiness takes hold mid-palate. Extremely smooth mouthfeel. Finish leads to a tea-like aftertaste--I wasn't hallucinating--that also features notes of lemon zest and a tinge of spice that seems to be either pepper or coriander, or maybe both. The aftertaste, as with lots of brews, is the best part. 

MUSINGS AND METAPHORS:  Brewed since 2013, with a recipe created by Iron Maiden frontman and British beer enthusiast Bruce Dickinson, the Trooper has been, to date, the most successful export for the Robinsons Brewery of Stockport, England. The beer is named after the Maiden song, which in turn was inspired by Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade," which in turn commemorated the bravery of British troopers during the Battle of Balaclava during the Crimean War in 1854.

As for the beer, well . . . it's a trooper. (Sorry.) It's an ESB, which is short for "extra special bitter," or "extra strong bitter." It's a bit of a misnomer, since these beers really aren't that bitter at all. This one is a textbook case, being quite mild in actuality. (Think of Yards Brawler.) All bitterness aside--sorry again--this is one of those beers that could stand to be a little more daring and little less subtle. As it is for the moment, it's a good session brew. Great for knocking a few back while . . . listening to Maiden albums. (I'm sorry, really. But I couldn't resist.)*

*My original intention was to write this review in such a way that a Maiden song was mentioned every sentence. I decided against it for reasons of syntactical ineffectiveness. And because it would make me look lame.




GRADE:  B-